Eight Ingredients for a Torchwood Christmas
by Arlath's Star
Summary: Festive fun at the Hub. Owen’s fed up with Christmas, but the rest of the team are determined to enjoy themselves, especially if it involves annoying him…
1. Cards and Calendars

**I don't really know the dates for any of the episodes, so just take this as a Christmas special set at a point when Owen is dead and Gwen is married. Also, if you hadn't guessed, I don't own Torchwood. The worst part of posting a new story is having to write that… **

**Anyway, here is my hurriedly-written xmas fic:**

**Cards and Calendars**

On the first of December Gwen staggered into the Hub with a box brimming full of Christmas decorations. "It's nearly Christmas! Come on! Time to get some decorations up!"

"It's more than three weeks away, Gwen." Ianto pointed out calmly, in much the same way he had done when she'd suggested exactly the same thing les than a week ago.

"Yeah, nearly a twelth of a year." Owen said bitterly. He hated this time of year. Christmas was meant to last a day, wasn't it, not a month?

"A bit less than that actually." Tosh retorted as she followed Gwen in, her arms piled high with tinsel.

"Not you too!" Owen moaned. "It's a bloody epidemic!"

Ianto smiled slightly. "Looks like the doctor will have to find a cure for Christmas."

Owen scowled, knowing there was no way he could stop Tosh and Gwen once they'd decided to do something.

"So can we put them up then?" Gwen asked breezily, heading purposefully towards her desk.

"God! Not yet, please! It's bad enough everywhere else!"

Ianto silently agreed with Owen's outburst. Moulting tinsel was terrible to clean up after.

"Oh Owen! Don't be such a spoilsport!"

Jack arrived just in time to stop the ensuing argument. "Children, children, what is the problem now?"

"Decorations" said Owen bluntly. "Again."

"It _is_ December" Gwen retorted loftily, and Tosh nodded in agreement, nearly dropping her tinsel.

"Ok." Jack paused. "You can have your decorations -" he continued and ignored Owen's groans "- but not just yet. One more week, and then you can put them up. And that includes Christmas CDs too." he added hurriedly.

The others exchanged glances and then nodded.

"But we can put this up, right?" Gwen asked, producing an advent calendar from her box.

***

An hour later, after a huge argument about who should get the privilege of eating the first chocolate and an even greater one about who should be the fifth to open a door (and therefore get to eat the special Christmas day chocolate), Ianto returned from the shops with a calendar for each of them, even for Jack and Owen. He'd chosen perfectly as well.

"Thornton's!" Tosh squealed happily as she received hers, and then "Thank you Ianto!" around a mouthful of chocolate.

Owen looked a bit disheartened as he received his. "I don't know if you've forgotten, Teaboy, but I can't eat it."

"I'll take them." said Gwen, looking up quickly. She was already happy that she got to keep her calendar to herself, but extra chocolate was always welcome.

"I know you don't." Ianto replied steadily, ignoring Gwen's shameless chocolate-begging. "That's why I bought you a '25 reasons to hate Christmas' one."

Owen found himself looking quite pleased, and instantly turned away to hide his expression.

"So, what did you get me?" Jack asked, drawing Ianto away to one side.

Ianto grinned and rummaged around in the bag, eventually producing a kid's advent calendar cover with alien cartoons. Christmassy aliens wearing santa hats.

"Right." Said Jack slowly. "And I notice that you've taken the chocolates out too." he added, indicating the way the little flaps were hanging loose.

"No sir. I just covered up the inane jokes with some comments of my own."

Jack waited until Ianto had walked away and then opened up the door for the first of December expectantly. The note read: 'Get all that troublesome paperwork your secretary's been nagging you about out of the way now, before the New Year. And remember to book a restaurant table."

Jack grinned.

***

Three days later Owen noticed a piece of tinsel draped inconspicuously over Tosh's computer. He binned it and left an irritated post-it note on her screen reminding her that he was still owed four more days of peace.

***

The next day they each found a Christmas card from Gwen on their desks. These were quickly followed by cards from Tosh, Jack and Ianto within the next 24 hours, with Owen grudgingly providing some a few days later. Jack's were best, by common consensus. He's managed to find some of the silliest and most embarrassing photos of them that year and put them on the front of each of his highly personalised cards: Owen covered in gunk after an alien autopsy that had gone particularly badly, Tosh asleep at her computer with a piece of paper pinned to her back saying 'Do not disturb – genius at work', Ianto looking at a broken coffee-machine in horror, and a sulky Gwen who had recently been chained to her desk by Jack. The messages inside all read 'Merry Christmas and a Happier New Year'.

Ianto cornered Jack later. "Nice cards. But couldn't you find any better photos than that of us?"

Jack grinned evilly. "Oh, there were plenty more embarrassing ones than just those, Ianto Jones. Especially of you. Would you care to see them?" He smiled knowingly.

Ianto shook his head despairingly. "I thought I'd deleted them all."

"I had back-up copies."

***

**For people who like to know these things, there are five more chapters and I'm hoping to post one a day so that I finish before Christmas. Hopefully. **


	2. Decorations and Mistletoe

**Next chapter, on time as planned. Many thanks to Ravenja70, milady dragon, L.A.H.H., and gernumblies for reviewing. I may possibly write an extra chapter on Jack's calendar, since a few of you seem to be interested. We'll see. **

**Decorations & Mistletoe**

Owen entered the Hub very cautiously when the great day of Judgement finally arrived, steeling himself to face whatever Tosh and Gwen had managed to come up with. He knew that they'd deliberately stayed late the night before in order to decorate, and that they'd even persuaded Jack and Ianto to help out. But when he came in through the cog door he couldn't see a single holly leaf or sliver of tinsel anywhere. He couldn't even see the others. He frowned; maybe he'd got the date wrong, or maybe they'd come to their senses. He walked over to examine Tosh's desk, but there was nothing. Unsure whether he should be pleased that everything was still normal or annoyed at his lost chance to whinge, Owen strode across to the medical bay.

"Bloody hell!"

There was barely an inch of the room that hadn't been festooned in tinsel, paper snowflakes, stars, waving santas, stars, paper chains, baubles and festive greenery, and to cap it all a huge banner was strung from the ceiling wishing him a Merry Christmas. As he gaped in horror at the awful sight someone turned on the Christmas music.

He turned round to see Gwen grinning broadly at him, flanked by a smirking Jack, a pleased-looking Tosh and an amused Ianto.

"You are all going to die!" Owen shouted furiously, grabbing the nearest thing to hand – a bowl of baubles. They all let him chase them round the Hub, laughing uproariously; and they continued to run round until they all collapsed on the floor in a giggling heap, being pelted with baubles.

***

One hectic half hour later they agreed to a truce – they would let Owen take the decorations in the medical bay down so long as he helped them put them back up elsewhere. Soon Owen was sullenly draping paper-chains across the Hub and watching the others decorate the rest of the room with various degrees of enthusiasm.

"We've never had it looking this good before!" said Tosh proudly as she stepped back to admire the fairy lights she'd just fixed.

"But we've never had two Christmas addicts lobbying for decorations before." Jack pointed out, even though he was secretly quite pleased with the way the Hub was looking. It looked much more friendly than normal now all the dark corners were illuminated.

"We're out of tinsel." Ianto reported as he made his last trip up from the medical bay. "And we're also out of stars, fairy lights, paper-chains and whatever other decorations you care to name."

Gwen sighed as she looked round the vast expanse of the Hub's interior. "There must be some more somewhere we can use. Or we could always buy some extras."

"We could always just leave it." Owen suggested in a voice that lacked all hope.

Jack and Ianto exchanged glances, and then Torchwood's resident archivist spoke up.

"We still have the old ones downstairs somewhere. I'll go see what we've got."

He returned shortly, dumping another huge box on the floor in front of Gwen. "That should do for the rest of the Hub."

He and Jack raised their eyebrows at each other at the girls' exclamations of delight upon opening the box, along with Owen's all too obvious groans.

***

Tosh looked curiously across at Jack, who was leaning beside the cog door in an incredibly nonchalant fashion. "What's he doing?" she asked.

"He's hidden a piece of mistletoe just above the doorway." replied Owen in disgust. "Look."

As he spoke Gwen approached the door, all bundled up ready to go outside and face the cold December wind, only to be stopped by Jack. Owen watched in amusement as Jack gestured to the tiny bunch of mistletoe above his head, then grabbed Gwen as she followed his gaze upwards. Gwen screamed in surprise and ran out of the doorway, closely pursued by a laughing Jack.

Owen snorted. "I think I'll take the lift out. But I suppose you'll be going out past your boss, eh Teaboy?" He turned to Ianto.

"Actually, I was going to stay here for a bit and finish off with these." Ianto indicated the now mostly empty box. "And don't be scared to go out by the front door Owen – Jack's not keen on necrophilia."

"Yeah, but he'll bloody well take a pass at anything else." muttered Owen under his breath. "You coming, Tosh?"

"Er, yeah." Tosh finished wrapping her scarf round her neck and followed Owen over to the lift. In a rare show of being a gentleman Owen offered her his arm as she hopped on.

Tosh let out a slight giggle as the lift rose. "Oh! He's put some here too."

Owen looked up at the offending piece of greenery. "God; that man never stops." He paused for a moment. "Still, I suppose it is traditional."

The paving slab above their heads moved aside, taking the mistletoe with it. "Does it still count if you're above the mistletoe?" Tosh wondered aloud.

"Yes." Said Owen decisively, glad that he hadn't let Jack take all the mistletoe.

***

"Where have the other two gone?" Jack asked Ianto as he strolled back into the Hub.

"They saw what you did to Gwen and decided to leave by the lift." Ianto finished pinning up the last string of reindeer and turned to face Jack. "Though I suspect the piece of mistletoe Owen had hidden there might also have something to do with it."

Jack nodded happily as Ianto continued; "And speaking of mistletoe there seems to be a huge bunch of it suspended above your desk."

"Is there?" replied Jack in mock surprise. "Show me."

Ianto rolled his eyes and led Jack to his office. "There sir."

"So there is. And do you know what that means, Ianto Jones?"

***

Gwen bounced into her flat and hugged Rhys from behind.

"Don't say anything." He warned. "I can guess. It's going to be something like 'Oh, I'm sorry I'm late Rhys, but there was this alien that was trying to eat everyone in Cardiff.'"

"But I'm early!" Gwen protested.

"I know that, you daft thing! So, what was it?"

"Well, there was this very dangerous object we found…"

"Hmm?"

"… so I sneaked it home whilst Jack wasn't looking."

Rhys raised his eyebrows at his wife. "And what is this very dangerous alien thing that you've decided to bring home?"

Gwen grinned and pulled the mistletoe out of her pocket.

***

"Tradition says," Ianto informed Jack a few minutes later, "that you're supposed to remove a berry after each kiss. When the berries run out, so have the kisses."

Jack counted. "That's twenty-two more."

"Nineteen." Ianto corrected, removing a few.

"Nineteen." sighed Jack. "I hate tradition."

"What about the other bunches?"

"The one on the lift has probably been used up, and I gave Gwen the other one to take home. But back where I come from we've got this wonderful tradition about paper snowflakes…"

**That was a chapter for all the people who've ever asked for more Jack/Ianto or Tosh/Owen, and for all the people who do want to see it but don't want to admit it. I hope that'll keep you all happy for a while. **

**Next time: the tree. **


	3. The Tree

**Thank you to gaia-x-goddess, Inexplicably Kyprioth, milady dragon, lysmachine, Samiix3, jimmy-barnes-13 and L.A.H.H for their wonderful reviews! And there's now only 4 days to go! I've sent out my cards, decorated my room (no mistletoe!), put up the tree **_**and **_**it's snowing! Admittedly, it was snowing the last time I posted, and the time before that… I hope it keeps up. A White Christmas… Now that would be something. **

**The Tree**

Gwen surveyed the Hub with pride when she entered the next morning, then gave a slight frown. She marched up to Ianto and said pointedly; "Don't you think we're missing something?"

Ianto sent up a quick prayer. "Are we?"

"Yes."

"Oh. What?"

"A tree, of course! There's got to be a tree!"

Ianto closed his eyes for a brief second. He'd been hoping that she wouldn't notice. "I think we have a small one somewhere…"

"But look how much room we've got!" Gwen exclaimed excitedly, waving her arms up towards the far-off ceiling. "We could get a huge one! Twelve, fifteen foot!"

"Yeah, and no-one will suspect anything if they notice us carrying a fifteen-foot Christmas tree into what's supposed to be a small tourist office." Owen commented sarcastically. "Go put 'common sense' on your Christmas list."

"There's the lift! It'd be invisible, wouldn't it?"

"Gwen." said Ianto patiently. "We'd still have to get it _to_ the lift. And even then it wouldn't fit."

"Not if we did it at night." Jack butted in on the discussion. "And they do come wrapped up, you know, so it would fit."

Owen and Ianto gave him a glare that all too plainly meant _'you're supposed to be on our side'_. Jack ignored them. "Where can we buy a tree that big, Yan?"

Ianto gave up. "If we're going to do it that way we may as well use the cog door."

"No. We're going with Gwen's idea. It sounds more fun." Jack grinned widely.

"What about transport? A tree that size won't fit on top of the SUV."

"But it will fit in a lorry." Gwen said happily. "I'm sure Rhys will let us borrow one."

"I want a vote." Owen declared.

"Fine. But I'm the boss, so my vote's worth three of yours."

Owen threw his hands up in the air and strode away, grumbling under his breath, heading for the mercifully Christmas-free environment of his autopsy bay.

"Right." Jack declared authoritatively. "Ianto, go ring round and find a place that can get us a tree that big. And we'll need more decorations too."

Gwen walked over to her desk, smiling happily and already planning where they should place their Christmas centrepiece. After a few minutes thought she approached Tosh and started discussing the problem with her. However, the technician had problems of her own.

"My snowflakes! They're all gone! And look what I've just found!" Tosh waved a charred snowflake in front of Gwen's face. "I bet it was Owen. He was moaning about them all of yesterday, saying that it never snows at Christmas anyway!"

Jack and Ianto exchanged guilty glances as the enraged Tosh headed over to confront the proverbial Christmas-hater. "I'll go see about that tree." said Ianto hastily, over the sounds of Owen's angry protests.

"Mmm." Jack agreed. "And I'll go find some more decorations." He nodded cheerfully at the bemused Gwen and followed Ianto outside.

"I swear I haven't touched your bloody decorations!"

Tosh stormed away in a huff and started searching the cctv footage for evidence. A few moments later her anger had turned into a fit of giggles. The three of them gathered round her computer screen and were happily entertained by the sight of their boss and fellow colleague participating in a bizarre ritual involving paper snowflakes, a cigarette lighter and a lot of kissing.

Owen was the first to speak. "That is Disgusting."

***

Later on, Gwen realised the problem with her Christmas tree plan. It meant that they all had to stay at work several hours longer than usual, until the Plass was completely empty of people.

"Why can't they just hurry up and leave?" moaned Owen. If this had to be soon he wanted it to be done as soon as possible.

"It's not as if you do anything else on an evening." Gwen retorted testily. "At least here you're doing something useful."

"Useful?"

Tosh cut through Owen's complaint. "They're all gone. Someone tell Jack and Ianto they can bring the lorry in."

Gwen had managed to persuade Rhys to loan them one of his lorries, although he was under the impression that it was being borrowed in order to transport a particularly large and heavy alien, not a Christmas tree, which might explain his state of confusion when he found the back of it full of pine needles the next morning.

***

Jack's look was one of fierce concentration as he and Ianto waited impatiently for the signal to be given.

"You look more like you're about to complete some military exercise rather than just deliver a Christmas tree." Ianto commented.

Jack didn't reply. Instead he started drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

Tosh's voice came in over the comms. "The coast's clear and I've turned off the cameras."

"Thanks Tosh." Jack replied. "Will you send someone up to help us carry it?"

"You go." Gwen addressed Owen back down in the Hub. "I'm sick of you catastrophising."

Owen doubled-checked the first aid kit he'd placed on the side. "Fine. I'd rather do that than have a 12-foot tree dropped on my head."

"15 foot." Jack corrected over the comms.

"_15 foot_?"

"Why do you think we need help carrying it?"

Owen huffed and headed towards the lift.

***

"Bloody hell." Owen had to admit that he was a little impressed by the size of the tree Jack and Ianto were dragging out of the back of the lorry between them. "How are you going to get that on the lift?"

"We'll manage." said Jack confidently, though he was starting to have second thoughts himself.

Between them they managed to half-drag, half-carry the tree over to the water tower, where Ianto pointed out their next problem.

"How do we get it to stand up on the lift? Assuming," he added "that it actually fits on the lift." He looked at Jack for an answer.

"I'll hold it."

Ianto looked at Jack, then at the tree, then back at Jack, but declined to comment.

With some difficulty they discovered that the tree did fit – just - and that Jack could even manage to fit on the paving slab with it. The tree wobbled dangerously in his grasp.

"Are you sure about this sir?"

Jack pressed a few buttons on his wrist-strap as an answer, and both he and the tree lurched slightly as the lift began to move.

"I don't want to watch." Owen moaned under his breath, his eyes fixed on the platform as it made its descent.

Jack just smiled happily to himself. His plan was working!

"Jack! Hold it steadier!" Ianto warned worriedly, as he saw the way the tree was listing.

"It's all right; I've got it." Jack replied, jerking it back into position and feeling its weight battle against him. He tried to keep his balance, but he could feel his feet slipping off the side of the slab. The tree swayed again, this time too far.

"Shit." Said Owen quietly, after the sounds of a 15 foot pine tree plummeting two storeys had faded away.

"Tosh! Gwen!" Jack shouted desperately.

"We're in the conference room." Gwen called back. They had both moved up there after deciding that Owen might have a point, and were now very glad they had done.

"But you have hit my computer." Tosh added crossly.

"I'll buy you a new one for Christmas." Jack promised, immensely glad that he hadn't just crushed half his team. He got off the lift and surveyed the mess of pine needles and branches littering the floor.

"We are **not** doing this next year."

For once, there were no arguments.

**Having read that through myself I'll happily admit that I have no sense of scale (particularly the average width of paving slabs versus pine trees, even wrapped up ones) or of the imperial system. I'm sort of hoping you don't either, because I can't be bothered changing it. **


	4. Carols

**Yet again, a huge thank you to all my reviewers. That's Samiix3, milady dragon, Janto-rulz, Ravenja70, lysmachine, , jimmy-barnes-13, L.A.H.H. and figaro2.**

**Carols**

They had a major Rift alert the next day - some sort of giant octopus that had washed up in the Bay – so the tree didn't get decorated until the day after. That was the morning when Owen walked in to the sound of the Torchwood Three choir merrily singing Christmas carols at the tops of their voices.

"_Ding dong merrily on high… _hello Owen!"

The irritated doctor ignored Tosh's friendly call and hurried over to his own desk with his fingers in his ears. The combined voices of Jack, Ianto, Tosh and Gwen were not exactly music to his ears. To be fair, Tosh and Ianto seemed to be decent singers, but by the sound of it Jack only knew half the words, and Gwen was having trouble with the idea of a tune.

"Jack, it's 'verily the sky', not 'merrily' again."

"But I've always sung it 'merrily'. And I've been singing it for a lot longer than you have."

"It's still wrong."

"Fine, choirmaster Jones. I'll sing it your way."

Owen fumbled frantically with his computer speakers as his colleagues sang through the verse again and launched whole-heartedly into the first of the 'glorias'. Only Tosh and Ianto managed to reach the end of it in one breath. They had just drawn breath for the second one when a deafening wave of heavy rock music filled the Hub.

"That's better!" yelled Owen happily.

Four other voices shrieked at him simultaneously, and Myfanwy joined in with her own protests.

"Turn it off, Owen!"

"What? I can't hear you!"

"**Turn it off!"**

"**Sorry?" **

Tosh ran over to Owen's computer and ripped out the speaker cable.

"I don't see why I can't have _my_ own music if you're going to have yours." said Owen stubbornly. His team mates continued to glare at him vehemently. "Well, why can't I?"

"Because I say you can't." Jack declared.

"So I'm supposed to work whilst listening to you lot screeching?"

"Wear headphones if you like, but I'm not having you playing music out loud."

"You could always just join in." Tosh suggested. "It's not really that bad."

Owen sent her a death glare and jammed a set of headphones on.

"Owen, stop singing!" Gwen snapped angrily as Owen's off-tune singing interrupted the team's rendition of 'O Come All Ye Faithful'. Owen didn't respond. So she shouted at him again, louder.

"But you're all singing." Owen complained as he pulled his ear-phones out. "Why can't I?"

"Because you can't sing." Ianto commented dryly.

"Neither can Gwen!"

"Don't be mean, Owen." Tosh reprimanded, seeing the hurt look on Gwen's face.

"I can sing, can't I?"

"You sing like an angel." Jack comforted her.

"Yeah, a tone-deaf angel."

"Owen, if you can't be nice to people will you please shut up?" Jack ordered. "And if you can't listen to your own music without singing I'll take those headphones off you." He strode away, leaving the doctor grumbling under his breath.

After a few hours Owen's ipod ran out of charge. He didn't have a charger and Tosh, Gwen and Ianto all refused to lend him music-players, so he was forced to listen to their Christmas cds for the rest of the day. He was not impressed.

"Jack" accused Gwen petulantly "the star won't stay on."

"How's that my fault?" Jack queried as he watched her wobbling around at the top of a stepladder from where he was leaning against the wall.

Ianto looked up at the tree from where he was stood, tilting his head to one side. "It isn't, sir. Gwen's just being silly. Of course it's not your fault that the top of the tree is at a forty five degree angle."

Jack glared at him. "It wasn't my fault it was too big and heavy."

"'_Oh look, Ianto._'"The other man mimicked. "'_Why don't we get that huge one over there? It's nearly as tall as the water tower!_'"

"That's not what I said."

"No, you also mentioned that we could use it to blockade the entrance with, if needed, and that it'd keep Tosh and Gwen busy for a week."

"So what are we going to do about it?" Gwen demanded, fed up with having to perch at the top of a wobbly ladder.

"We'll fetch you a pair of wings and you can stay up there for the rest of Christmas."

"That's not funny Jack."

"It wasn't meant to be funny; it was a serious suggestion. You'd make a fantastic angel."

A shower of pine needles fell on Jack's head, and another narrowly missed Ianto. Ianto glanced at his boss and intoned in a serious voice; "The Christmas angel has blessed you." He expertly dodged the star as Gwen chucked it at his head.

"If there's a vote I vote for her staying up there." Owen contributed, suddenly seeing the potential of Christmas decorations.

"Excellent!" Jack grinned. "That's three votes to one. Gwen, you're staying up there! And then we can have Ianto as Cupid come Valentines day."

Ianto flinched visibly at this suggestion. "I'm retracting my vote."

"Oh come on Yan!"

Gwen climbed down the ladder during the ensuing pleading and addressed Jack. "If you want a fairy or a cupid or whatever Jack, you're going to have to be it yourself."

"Oh, Gwen!" said Owen in disgust. "He bloody well _will_ do now!"


	5. Santa hats

**The usual set of thanks to my reviewers; Samiix3, jimmy-barnes-13, tempestuous-rayne, Janto-rulz, , milady dragon, lysmachine, gaia-x-goddess, gernumblies and L.A.H.H. **

**You all seem to want a Valentine's Day fic, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait until Valentine's Day. Until then you're stuck with this Christmas fic and whatever else I'll end up writing between then and now. **

**Santa hats**

Once Owen had left - driven away with endless choruses of 'jingle bells' - Jack called a team meeting.

"What shall we do to annoy him next?"

The rest of the team thought for a moment. "Christmas food?" Tosh suggested tentatively.

"No, I don't think he'll care about that."

"Santa hats!" said Gwen excitedly. "We could force him to wear one!"

Jack glanced round the table, and everyone nodded.

"Ok, Ianto. Top of the shopping list is 'santa hats'…"

Ianto approached his boss first thing the next morning. "Sir, I've bought what you asked for."

Jack inspected the five hats approvingly and picking out one with a small bell attached to it happily placed it on his head. He then nodded his head a few times to make it jingle.

Ianto rolled his eyes at the ceiling. "I've also found a decoration for the top of the tree…"

"Have you?" Jack paused in his jingling. "What?"

"It seems that 12-foot Christmas trees with bent tops make excellent pterodactyl perches."

Owen entered the Hub expecting some new festive horror and his fears proved well founded. The first thing he noticed after entering was Tosh working away at her computer with a santa hat perched on her head. It was not a sight that boded well.

"You look like an idiot, Tosh."

"Thank you, Owen."

"I'm sure we can find you one as well." Ianto had appeared suddenly behind Owen. He too was wearing a hat.

"I'm afraid 'complete twat' isn't really my style, teaboy."

"Isn't it? I'd always got the impression it was."

Owen was about to shoot back a reply when he was distracted by the odd jingling noise that was filling the Hub. He turned round to find Jack approaching, also wearing one of the ubiquitous hats. Owen almost wanted to cry. All those years of medical school, and he'd never once been told how to deal with a plague of hats or cope with work colleagues who clearly ought to have been locked away in a mental hospital long ago.

"Did Owen want a hat?"

"No!"

"Tough luck, Owen. Santa hats are the new Torchwood Christmas uniform."

"But we've _never_ had a uniform."

"We've got one now." said Gwen happily as she joined them. "Here's the spare, Jack." She passed him the last of the santa hats.

Owen glared back at her. "This is all your fault, isn't it? Ever since you joined this place everything's gone mental."

Jack shook his head vigorously, more for the jingle than anything else. "No, Torchwood's always been mental. Admittedly we've never had a Christmas uniform before though. I can't think why I didn't think of it earlier."

"Do I _have _to wear it?"

"Yes!" came the chorus of eager voices. Then Jack added "Unless you can find someone else who'll willingly wear it for you."

Owen scowled; he was never going to be able to convince a passer-by to wear that stupid thing, especially not with Jack and the gang watching. Then suddenly he brightened up.

"Anyone at all?"

Jack nodded, and the rest of the team trailed after Owen as he headed purposefully across the Hub.

"The cells?" Gwen queried. "But there's no one down there."

Owen grinned, and shook his head.

Gwen turned to Ianto. "Who've we got down there?"

Ianto shrugged. "Just a few rogue weevils, and Janet, of course."

"Oh Owen!" said Tosh, as realisation dawned. "You can't put it on a weevil! They'll rip you to shreds!"

"No they won't." said Owen confidently. "King of the weevils, remember?"

"Even so, I doubt they'll take to being forced to wear silly hats." Ianto said dryly.

"The deal is; if I manage it I get out of wearing the stupid hat. Ok?" Owen looked at Jack for confirmation.

There was a jingle as Jack nodded. "Have you got some spray?"

Owen pulled it out of his pocket to show him, then stepped up to Janet's cage. The others watched with some trepidation. They had still not got used to Owen's extraordinary power over the weevils, even if it did come in handy so often. However, Owen merely walked casually over to the grovelling weevil and placed the hat firmly on its head. He left and closed the cell door triumphantly.

"There!"

"Just step back a bit, will you?"

"Why?"

"I said 'wear it willingly'. I want to see if she'll keep it on once you leave."

Owen stepped back a few paces, grumbling under his breath, and keeping his fingers crossed in his pocket. As soon as he'd got far enough away Janet rose up and snarled at them all. Everyone held their breath as she reached up to her head – she seemed surprised and irritated to find something on it, and the offending article was quickly removed and ripped to shreds before Owen's resigned gaze.

"You're wearing a hat!" cried Gwen triumphantly.

"But we haven't got a hat anymore." Ianto pointed out, as Janet started gnawing at the fur edging.

Owen grinned suddenly. Maybe he was saved after all.

"But we can't let him get away with that!" Gwen despaired. "Didn't we get a spare?"

"I'll give him mine, if you want." Ianto offered.

"You are keeping that hat on, Ianto Jones!" Jack ordered. He thought Ianto looked incredibly cute wearing it. "And the girls are keeping theirs too." he added as an afterthought.

"It'll have to be yours then sir."

Jack clutched his hat protectively. There was no way he was giving it up.

"All right Owen, we'll let you get away with it this time. But only on the condition that we can play Christmas music."

Owen nodded happily. He'd brought his ipod again and a charger, just in case; though even having to listen to Christmas hits seemed a small price to pay for escaping hat-free.

Gwen gathered up the others at lunchtime while Jack wasn't looking. "We have to do something about Jack's hat – it's driving me insane!"

Tosh, Owen and Ianto all nodded. The constant jingling sound was driving everyone round the bend. No music could drown it out.

"How?" Ianto asked in despair. "He'll never take it off even if we ask him to."

"We don't have to take his hat off him." said Tosh thoughtfully. "We just have to take the jingle off him."

"'Take the jingle off him'" repeated Owen sarcastically. "Excellent idea, Tosh. How the hell do we do that?"

"Well, we could just remove the bell, or the ball inside the bell, or stuff it full of chewing gum or something."

"When?"

"Whilst he's not looking."

"This is Jack we're talking about, Tosh."

"He's got to take it off at some point."

"Eventually."

"I can't wait that long." warned Gwen impatiently. "Otherwise I'll go and strangle him!"

"Now there's a solution…" Owen mused. "And while he's dead we can take the hat off him."

Ianto sighed. "I'll do it. I'm sure I can manage without resorting to murder."

They all stopped talking as the jingling noise got louder.

"What are you all conspiring about then?"

"Christmas presents, sir."

"For me?"

Ianto rolled his eyes at the ceiling. Jack responded to the word 'presents' almost as childishly as his young niece and nephew did. "Of course not." he replied, voice laced with sarcasm.

Jack strode off happily, bell jingling at every step.

"Great." Gwen moaned. "Now I have to think of something to buy him!"

"Coffee, sir?" Ianto asked politely.

"Any sun cream in it?"

"I'm afraid not. Do you want me to buy some more?"

"I don't actually enjoy having sun cream in my coffee, Ianto."

"I'll make a note." Ianto promised, and left the room.

"How did you do that?" Gwen asked, looking down at the small bell in Ianto's hand.

As a reply Ianto waved a small pair of scissors in front of her nose. "Just while he wasn't looking. It was only held on by a bit of thread."

"What do we do now?" Tosh asked.

Ianto carefully prised open the bell and removed the tiny metal ball inside it. "We leave this lying around somewhere, so that he thinks it just fell off."

"Ianto, you are a genius!" enthused Gwen, smiling broadly at him.

Jack appeared slightly surprised to find that he no longer jingled wherever he went, but seemed happy to accept that the bell had fallen off and broken. It was only later, when the others had gone home, that Ianto realised that he was perfectly aware of what had happened.

"So, you didn't like my hat?"

Ianto quickly hid his surprise. "It did get a little annoying."

"You could have just asked." said Jack, sounding slightly hurt.

"And would you have taken it off?"

"No."

"Exactly."

"I might have done if you'd asked really nicely."

Ianto rolled his eyes.

"I do notice when you do that, you know." Jack said petulantly. "And I promise I won't wear a jingling hat again if…"

"If…?"

"If you wear that hat for the rest of this evening." Jack paused. "You did the eye-roll again, Ianto."

"What do you want me to do instead?"

"Nod."

Ianto nodded, but he rolled his eyes as well.

**If you're confused by the sun-cream reference go read my other Torchwood fic: 'Killer'. And that was totally shameless advertising.**


	6. Ice Skating

**Yet more thanks to my reviewers: Janto-rulz, Samiix3, Ravenja70, milady dragon, , jimmy-barnes-13, .way.42, Jooles34, L.A.H.H, thunderincrimson and Kelspook. You're all just amazing – you've made this week one long Christmas present for me! **

**I would also like to apologise to Owen on behalf of myself and the rest of the Torchwood team for all the grievances he has suffered in this Christmas run-up. We love you really! **

**Ice-skating**

"Oh no." Owen moaned softly as he leant over Tosh's desk.

"What?"

"Look." Tosh followed Owen's gaze to where Gwen had just come in. "That's Gwen's 'I've had an idea' expression." The doctor's voice conveyed his anxiety and disgust.

"What's bad about that?"

"Her last idea caused Jack to drop a 15-foot pine tree into the Hub."

"Her last idea was the santa hats." Ianto corrected.

"Yeah, and they went brilliantly too."

Tosh protested mildly; "But she thought of the advent calendars and cards and putting up so many decorations…" Owen pulled a face at the last suggestion and was about to make another sarcastic comment when a beaming Gwen was on them.

"Hi everyone! Look, I've had …"

"- another absolutely amazing idea for a new kind of Christmas torture?"

Gwen eyed Owen for a second. "I take it you don't want to hear about it then?"

"No, I don't."

Gwen took in a deep breath – a warning sign the rest of the team had now learned to recognise, though not always to take heed of.

"And I suppose you have a better idea about what we can do for Christmas then? _You_ may prefer to spend your life in loneliness and misery but that doesn't mean you have to stop everyone else having fun!"

Owen cut across Gwen's rising tirade; "Well what's your concept of fun then? 'cos it sure doesn't seem to be the same as anyone else's here!"

"Well, if nobody wants to know I won't bloody bother in the future!"

"Good!"

"Children, children." Jack had appeared to intervene. There was only so much of Gwen and Owen arguing he could take. "What's the argument now?"

Owen and Gwen both began to talk loudly at the same time. Jack raised his hands. "Be quiet, both of you. Tosh, what happened?"

"Gwen wanted to tell us her idea but Owen started being rude about it." Tosh received a look of gratitude from Gwen and a glare from Owen.

"I see. And what was this idea."

Gwen seized her chance. "I think we all ought to go ice skating."

A silence fell over the Hub. Finally, Owen repeated, in an incredulous voice, "Ice skating?"

"I like it." said Tosh, and blushed slightly as everyone's heads turned to look at her.

"But why go ice skating?" Owen asked Gwen.

"Team-bonding, enjoying ourselves at Christmas, taking a break from work… Anything you've ever considered there, Owen?"

"We normally just go to the pub for all that." Ianto informed her.

"Well, I thought that since Owen can't eat or drink any more going to the pub might be a bit inconsiderate." Gwen glared at Owen for a second. "But since he's an inconsiderate bastard anyway I don't see why we shouldn't."

Ianto shook his head. "Let's try ice skating. It'll be good to have a change." They'd managed to get Jack drunk at their last Christmas do, he remembered. That had not been a fun evening.

Gwen glanced at Owen. "And what about you then?"

Owen shrugged. "Yeah, why not?" He now felt slightly guilty that he'd jumped on Gwen the way he had when her idea had been for his sake. Not very guilty though.

That only left Jack. As he saw his team's expressions as they looked at him he decided to give in, even though he wasn't entirely happy with the plan.

"Fine."

***

And so it was that on Christmas Eve, with the Rift mercifully quiet, the team met up at the local ice rink where Ianto had booked them tickets for the evening.

Tosh was on the ice first. She'd brought her own skating boots and so didn't have to queue like the rest of them. Owen's jaw dropped as he watched her whirl around the ice. Loops, figures of eight, cross steps, gliding, skating backwards…

"I never realised Tosh could skate." Gwen whispered in awe as they all watched her spin round on one skate in the middle of the rink. She surveyed the others. "I don't suppose any of you are skating geniuses too, and forgot to mention it?"

Ianto shrugged modestly and Owen snorted. Gwen turned to Jack; "I bet you're good, right? You must have been skating for centuries." Jack nodded his head slightly and concentrated on his boots.

When Owen looked up again from trying to pull on his own skates Ianto was skating alongside Tosh; not quite as elegantly, but he was still a more-than-passable skater. Owen watched in disgust. "Anything you're not good at, Teaboy?" He shouted as Ianto zoomed over to see them.

"If there was, I wouldn't tell you. Are you coming or not?"

"Yes." Gwen replied, wobbling as she tried to stand up. Owen gave her a hand and together they tottered over to the edge of the ice.

"Are you coming, Jack?" Gwen called back to him.

"I'm just getting a different pair." He replied, holding up his skates by the laces. "These don't fit."

After Owen and Gwen had wobbled around the edge of the rink once, intermittently clinging to the edge, they arrived back to find that Jack hadn't yet reappeared. Once they had been round a few more times they became a lot more confident and it wasn't long before Ianto and Tosh swept up on either side of Gwen and started towing her along.

"I have done this before, you know." Gwen protested as she nearly lost her balance. "Where's Jack anyway?"

Owen pointed over to the side and slipped as he lost control of his skates. He grabbed Tosh to try and right himself and the pair collapsed in a pile on the ice. As Ianto bent over to try and help them up Gwen skated over to where Jack was sat watching and giggled loudly as she crashed into the barrier.

"Why aren't you skating?"

"Oh, I just don't really feel like it, that's all." Jack looked at her as if to say that that was the end of the matter.

"Come on, Jack! It's fun!"

The rest of the team arrived panting at the barrier. Tosh and Owen had a light dusting of snow.

"Come on sir, everyone else is doing it. We promise we won't laugh if you fall over." Ianto tried not to smile at the thought.

"Why don't you want to anyway?" Tosh asked.

Jack looked down at his feet and then decided to come clean. "I can't skate." He said quietly.

"What?"

"I. Can't. Skate."

"We'll teach you then!" Tosh replied brightly. "It's easy once you get going."

Jack sighed and allowed himself to be bullied to the edge of the ice, where he stopped and looked uneasily at it. "We're not supposed to go on ice."

"Oh, come on." said Gwen impatiently. "We could have gone three times round by now."

Tosh shushed her and taking Jack's hand made him move slowly onto the ice. He quickly grabbed the side and clung to it. Owen laughed in amusement. He left Tosh and Ianto attempting to persuade Jack to try moving his feet and skated once round the outside of the rink, passing Jack whilst moving as fast as he could.

Tosh and Ianto proceeded to the stage where they were inching slowly round the edge of the barriers, with Jack clinging to the rail with one hand and Ianto's hand with the other. "It's easier when you go faster." Ianto told him.

"Once we've got round once." Jack replied through gritted teeth. When they reached the exit they both refused to let Jack give up and instead forced him to go round again, this time forcing him to go slightly faster. After a few more painful circuits they had got to the point where Jack had worked out how to move his feet properly and had just started to let go of the barrier when Gwen crashed into it just in front of them and they had to stop.

"Sorry! I just can't work out how to slow down!"

Tosh took Gwen to one side to teach her how as Ianto finally prised Jack away from the barrier.

"One circuit, no clinging to the sides."

Jack was just about to protest when Owen came up on his other side. "I'll hold your other hand shall I, Harkness?"

The three men skated around slowly, avoiding the other skaters.

"Well done sir." Ianto praised his boss as they made it back to their starting point.

Jack grinned. "Can we do it again? But faster this time?"

Meanwhile Tosh was having less success trying to teach Gwen how to skate backwards. Jack, Owen and Ianto were on their third lap when Gwen crashed straight into them.

"Look where you're going!" snarled Owen angrily as he pulled himself up off the floor and back onto his feet. But he started laughing when he saw a surprised Gwen on the floor with her hair and scarf all askew and the snowy heap that was Jack and Ianto. He laughed even harder when Tosh, zooming over to help, tripped on the end of Gwen's scarf and ended up on top of the pile too. That started the others off , and when they had finally disentangled themselves Owen found himself being chased round and round the rink until finally he ended up sprawled on the floor as well.

***

It was several hours later when they finally collapsed on firm, non-slippy ground again, all of them with bright red faces and sick from laughing.

"Now that was the best Christmas idea ever." Jack declared, and the others nodded, too out of breath to talk. Gwen grinned happily.

"Merry Christmas, Jack!"

There followed the predictable five minutes of warm Christmas exchanges before they all started to go off on in their separate directions into the night. Well, not quite separately. Gwen walked off in the direction of her flat, presumably off to spend Christmas day with Rhys, but Owen and Tosh definitely seemed to be heading off in the same direction, towards Owen's car.

"And where will you be going sir?" Ianto enquired as he watched them leave.

"Back to the Hub, of course. Torchwood is always ready, even at Christmas. Aliens have no sense of timing: We always have an invasion at Christmas, no matter what. Normally it's London that gets it, but we'll be ready all the same."

"You'll be needing a hand then." Ianto said knowingly. "Just in case."

"Is that an offer to help out, Ianto Jones?"

"Well, I don't seem to have anything else to do…" He'd begged his way out of the family gathering this year; said that Cardiff tourist office was always busy at Christmas. His family hadn't quite realised exactly what type of visitor he was referring to though.

Jack grinned broadly, and fervently hoped that the Doctor would be able to sort out whatever alien problem came up, because _he_ certainly wasn't going to be available…

**For anyone who's interested, I **_**can**_** skate, but not very well. Last time I went with my friends I was badly shown up by a girl who's as good as, if not better than, Tosh at it. But I do enjoy it. **

**If you all review I'll give you an extra chapter on Jack's advent calendar, as requested. But only if I'm feeling particularly generous. **


	7. Jack's Calendar

**I've just had an even better Christmas Eve than the team; Snowball fights and chocolate cake. Mmmm. No Ianto though. **

**Anyway, amazingly big thanks and a huge MERRY CHRISTMAS to: gernumblies, .way.42, Janto-rulz, Samiix3, milady dragon, luckypixi, gaia-x-goddess, Ravenja70, thunderincrimson, jimmy-barnes-13, tempestuous-rayne, lysmachine, and L.A.H.H. **

**This is Jack's advent calendar. It's probably not as fluffy as you like, but I'm sure that if you put your Jack eyes on you'll be able to find a lot of unintended smut and innuendo. Ok, some of it **_**was**_** intended, but on the whole it's clean. **

**Jack's Calendar**

**1****st**** December: **"Get all that troublesome paperwork your secretary's been nagging you about out of the way now, before the New Year. And remember to book a restaurant table."

**2nd December:** "If you have opened this door early STOP RIGHT NOW! If not, congratulations on your self-control; you can come and collect a prize off me."

**3****rd**** December: **"I ate the chocolate for this one. Sorry. If you want I'll make you a coffee instead."

**4****th**** December: **"I hope these comments are better than what was here before. I almost left one in so that you could see how bad the jokes were, but thought better of it. Knowing you, you'd find the joke hilarious and keep on telling it until we were all completely sick of it."

**5****th**** December:** "How do you feel about holly leaves in your coffee? We should really play that game of yours again, though the others might not be too happy with it."

**6****th**** December: **"It's probably a good idea to start writing your Christmas cards sometime soon, instead of forgetting like last year."

**7****th**** December: **"You have one day of peace left. Enjoy it!"

**8****th**** December:** "Watch out! From today onwards Christmas is no longer banned within the Hub. Remember to compliment Gwen on her decorating skills."

**9****th**** December: **"Today's the day when we mend whatever damage was caused by the decoration of the Hub yesterday. Please try and give Owen something to do to take his mind off the fact that the Hub now looks like Santa's grotto."

**10****th**** December:** "You really ought to have that restaurant booked by now."

**11****th**** December: **"You **really** ought to have that restaurant booked by now."

**12****th**** December: **"That's right; I put the same thing twice to make sure you remembered. Christmas presents, Christmas presents, Christmas presents… Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork…"

**13****th**** December: **"Helpful tip: if you haven't managed to learn the correct lyrics for any carols since last year either go learn them now or don't sing. Alternatively, I could give you signing lessons."

**14****th**** December: **"Have you thought up any New Year's resolutions yet? I've got a suggestion. How about 'I will get all my paperwork done on time so as to help Ianto out'? Unless you can think of a better one…"

**15****th**** December: **"Do you think Owen's like Scrooge? I do. Maybe we could organise some Christmas ghosts…"

**16****th**** December: **"I can't think of anything to write for today. Still, I'm sure you're getting enough Christmas babble off Gwen."

**17****th**** December: **"I presume you've bought Christmas presents by now? If by any chance you_ are_ doing last minute shopping get Tosh and Gwen a pair of earrings and a box of chocolates each, and Owen will be happy with anything so long as it gives him something he'll be able to complain about. I'll make do with a new tie."

**18****th**** December: **"Only a week left. This means that practically all preparations should have been made by now. That includes presents (buying _and _wrapping), organising holiday leave for everyone else, booking restaurants and checking all the weapons in the armoury. Aliens have never really got the hang of 'peace and good will to all men'...."

**19****th**** December: **"You're probably totally sick of Christmas music by now, which is why I've booked us concert tickets for tonight. But I'm not telling you what we're seeing, apart from that it is completely non-Christmassy. And please don't nag me all day or I'll take someone else instead."

**20****th**** December: "**Today is 'help Ianto decorate his flat day'. Enjoy."

**21****st**** December: **"From now on the nights are getting shorter again. Maybe that might persuade you to stop spending so much time on rooftops – I've got quite a collection of newspaper clippings now."

**22****nd**** December: **"Three days to go. By this point Tosh and Gwen will be beyond hyper, and Owen will probably be making death threats. Please stop him – it rather ruins the Christmassy atmosphere."

**23****rd**** December: **"Any bets on Christmas invasions should be placed now."

**24****th**** December:** "Attend whatever team get-together Gwen has organised and try to enjoy it. If it helps, remember that I have the rest of the evening off."

**25****th**** December:** "I bet you're opening this late, so I hope you enjoyed my Christmas present – that is if we ever got time for it. Still, I'd rather spend Christmas fighting aliens with you that on my own at home. If we saved the world as well I suppose that's a bonus.

**Merry Christmas everyone – readers and reviewers alike! And look out for more stuff from me in the New Year - in between all my exam revision I should hopefully find some time to concoct some more adventures for Team. If there's anything you really want to see that isn't too unpublishable pm me and I'll see if I can fit it in anywhere. **

**MERRY CHRISTMAS!**


	8. Snow

**Well, I honestly did think that that chapter was the last one, but then I had an absolutely fantastic Christmas day, and when I'd returned from the family sledging trip and found some dry clothes and checked my bruises and warmed up a bit I thought 'Torchwood need to do this'. And thus another chapter was written. **

**Yet more thanks to my loyal reviewers: gaia-x-goddess, milady dragon, gernumblies, lysmachine, jimmy-barnes-13 and ! **

**Snow**

"SNOW!" Squealed Gwen as she peeked out through the curtains on Christmas morning.

"I'm not falling for that one, love." Rhys smiled from where he was still lying in bed.

"No, it really is."Gwen pulled the curtains wide apart to prove her point and started dancing round the room. "It's a White Christmas! A White Christmas, Rhys! We can go sledging and built a snowman and…"

"Alright, alright. But what about presents and dinner and everything?"

"They can wait, can't they? It's _snowing_, Rhys!"

***

And so, abandoning all the still-wrapped presents lying underneath the Christmas tree, Rhys and Gwen soon found themselves hurtling down a snowy slope together on a sledge they had hurriedly constructed out of an old plastic sheet.

"Again! Again!" Gwen shrieked as their makeshift sledge came to a halt once more.

Rhys laughed. "I notice it's not you who seems to be carrying it back up every time."

Gwen had just grabbed it off him and was preparing to lug it back up the slope when the sound of voices caught her ears. Up until now their sledging site had been empty apart from them – everyone else was no doubt inside with their presents still – and the snatches of conversation she heard froze what wasn't already frozen to the bone.

"So, you think they'll be alright in London without us, Sir?"

"They'll be fine. Nothing we can do to help anyway. We may as well just enjoy this freak snowfall, eh?"

Gwen rushed over to her husband and whispered urgently; "Let's go back. I don't want to meet anyone."

Rhys looked in the direction of the voices, puzzled. "But they're from your work, aren't they?"

"Come _on_, Rhys!"

"Gwen!" Jack's voice rang jovially across the snowy field. "Fancy meeting you here! Merry Christmas, Rhys!"

"Merry Christmas, Jack." Gwen replied, sounding for all the world as though she was overjoyed to see her workmates and hadn't just been trying to desperately avoid their company. She had been intending to spend her day's holiday alone with Rhys for once.

Ianto puffed into view, towing a pair of ancient, heavy-duty sledges. "Merry Christmas, Gwen, Rhys."

"Where did you get those?" Rhys asked amazed as he examined the sledges.

It was Jack who replied. "There one of those many things they put in the Hub when they built it just because they thought it was a good idea at the time. As far as I can remember we've never used them yet, and that's quite a long time. Ianto here remembered them this morning and we thought we'd test them out. There were skis as well but apparently I'm not allowed to use those."

"He'd break his neck." Ianto explained to the general company.

"And I told you that's not a problem."

"Nevertheless, it would rather ruin Christmas, sir."

Gwen ignored Rhys' puzzled look at this exchange. "So, are we going sledging or not?"

Jack grinned. "Race you!"

***

Gwen and Rhys were pleased and suprised to find that their piece of plastic actually made a far faster sledge than anything the Hub could offer, even if it was completely unsteerable. For this reason Jack quickly decided to swap to seeing who could get the furthest, knowing that half the time their 'sledge' would veer off course before they could get very far. But Gwen and Rhys still won a considerable number of times.

Jack's next idea was to build a ramp for the sledges to go over once they reached the bottom of the slope, a project they had just completed when they heard another pair of voices approaching:

"It's just frozen water, Tosh."

"Stop complaining, Owen. It was your idea to go sledging."

Gwen shook her head in disbelief. "This is getting ridiculous."

Jack smiled happily and pulled her and Ianto down behind the ramp. "Ssh!" he warned. They all crouched down as the other two drew nearer.

"Looks like someone's been here already." they heard Owen say deprecatingly. "And the tossers have gone and left their sledges."

"Who said the 'tossers' had gone?" Jack asked loudly as he leapt out from behind the ramp. Owen jumped.

"Jack!"

The other three also emerged, brushing snow off their clothes.

"How come you're all here?" Owen asked, sounding slightly rattled.

"No idea." Jack replied. He scrutinised Tosh carefully. "You don't seem surprised." he accused.

"It says 'Torchwood' on the sledges." Tosh explained casually.

The rest of the team looked at the sledges in surprise, not having noticed this. "Do we have to have it on everything?" Ianto asked in disgust. "It's not exactly as if people could return it to us if we lost it."

"They do look impressive though." said Tosh, referring to the sledges.

"Ours is better." said Rhys proudly.

"You're kidding, right?" Tosh asked, looking at the hurriedly cut-out plastic board.

Owen turned on Gwen. "Do you really call that a sledge? It looks like you dragged it out of a skip."

"I'll race you." Gwen replied confidently.

Jack, Tosh and Ianto watched as Gwen and Rhys trudged back up the slope with their sledge whilst Owen followed behind with his own cheap plastic one. True to their challenge Gwen and Rhys' once again proved itself to be the fastest, shooting out far in front of Owen's.

"Hah!" Owen shouted at their grinning faces. "That's only because of your superior weight!"

"Superior weight?" Gwen asked as she brushed snow out of her hair. "You look like you're wearing half your wardrobe! Aren't you too warm?"

Owen scowled at her. Tosh had already teased him for looking like a penguin. "Actually, it's so I won't bruise if I come off."

"So you bounce instead?" Ianto asked. Owen ignored him.

"Rerun, Gwen?"

After a brief argument over comparative weights they agreed to have Tosh and Owen on one sledge and Gwen and Rhys on the other. The latter pair won again. After that everyone wanted a go on their sledge, leading to many more races and an attempt to see how many people could fit on it at once without anyone falling off (three). Eventually, Jack remembered his ramp.

"You can't go over that, Harkness." Owen warned. "It's too dangerous."

Jack, of course, paid no attention, and hurried up the slope carrying one of the Torchwood sledges. The rest of the group watched as he steered straight for the steep ramp and collectively winced as he flew over it and landed several metres further along, sprawled on the snow. They all ran over quickly.

"Jack?" Ianto called worriedly. The other man pulled himself to his feet gingerly, rubbing his arm. "I told you skis would be a bad idea!" Ianto berated him crossly, trying to hide his relief. "Are you alright?"

"I think I broke the sledge." said Jack miserably. He was right. The sledge was definitely smashed beyond repair.

"Never mind." said Gwen bracingly. "It's not as if we needed Torchwood sledges. Anyway, we can replace it with this one." She indicated her own sledge. "All we have to do is write 'Torchwood' on it."

They all continued sledging, apart from Jack, who complained that his arm hurt; although he refused to let Owen have a look at it. So they left him at the bottom of the slope and continued racing. When they next came to check up on him he was examining the snow sculpture he'd just built.

"That's a nice snowman, Jack." Gwen complicated, angling her head to look at the oddly shaped lump more closely and check it wasn't meant to resemble any of them.

"Snowman?" Jack replied, sounding hurt. "Can't you tell it's a weevil?"

Gwen looked at it again. "No." she said truthfully.

"Then you have no artistic imagination at all. Go back to your sledging."

"We've stopped, Jack."

"Did you? When?"

"When Owen and Tosh crashed into Ianto on the sledge." Gwen noticed Jack's surprise. "Did you miss that?"

"We didn't crash…" Owen began to complain.

"Yes you did." said Ianto defiantly. "You're even worse at steering that sledge than you are the SUV!"

"Sorry, Ianto." Tosh apologised in Owen's stead. "We did lose control a little. What shall we do now?"

"We could help Jack with his snowman." Rhys suggested, looking amused at the team's bickering.

"Snow-_weevil_."

"Snow-what?"

"No way is that a weevil." Owen stated. "Here." He started to reshape the 'weevil's' face.

"That doesn't look any better, Owen." Tosh pointed out.

"What _is_ a weevil?" Rhys asked, now in a state of total perplexion.

"It certainly isn't _that_." Gwen pointed at Owen's work.

"Who said it was a weevil?" Owen asked. "This is Ianto."

Everyone frowned at the offending snow-thing. "I think it looks more like Gwen." Jack decided eventually. "Hey!" A snowball had just hit him in the back. He quickly turned round, scooping a ball of snow up in his own hands. "Owen!"

Owen raised his hands in the air. "It wasn't me!" he protested quickly. "It came from Gwen's direction."

Jack turned round. Gwen was starting to protest her own innocence when she was interrupted by her husband.

"Sorry, I was aiming for Gwen…" Rhys was hit by two snowballs simultaneously, one from Jack and one from Gwen. Tosh, Owen and Ianto quickly joined in the fight, pelting each other with snowballs.

After a brief free-for-all two sides to the battle quickly developed. One consisted of Jack, Owen and Ianto, the other of the girls and Rhys. They all soon discovered that Jack was an expert snowball thrower, rarely missing his target, though none of the rest of the team were that bad either, having had plenty of chances to practice their aim. Tosh and Gwen were slightly let down by Rhys though, for all his enthusiasm, so Jack conceded them the ramp in order to make it more of a fair fight.

They were at a stalemate for some time as they bombarded each other with hastily-made snowballs and dodged the other team's onslaughts. Then Jack, Ianto and Owen stopped to confer behind the shelter of Owen's sledge and started to advance on the others' fortification, splitting into three and using a pincer motion.

"Cheats!" Rhys shouted, and was hit in the face by a snowball.

Gwen rushed up to Owen as he came round the side and jumped on him, trying to push a handful of snow down the back of his neck. She managed, and Owen yelled in annoyance and threw her off into a snowdrift.

"Rhys! Help!" Gwen yelled as Jack and Owen tried to roll her in the snow. Her husband rushed over dutifully;

"You bury her arms and I'll bury her feet!"

"Rhys!"

***

"Pax!" Ianto panted as Tosh ran up to him with a handful of snow at the ready. She dropped the snow and they stood together watching Jack hold down a struggling Gwen whilst Owen and Rhys tried to bury her. "Shall we go help?" Ianto asked.

"Help who?"

"Gwen. She looks as though she could do with a bit of help." As Ianto spoke Jack started dropping handfuls of snow teasingly on Gwen's face.

"Toooossshhh!"

Tosh and Ianto scooped up fresh handfuls of snow and ran over to the rescue, Ianto dropping his load down Jack's neck whilst Tosh threw hers at the back of Owen's head. Another fight broke out, during which Tosh and Ianto were able to pull Gwen out of her snowdrift. She stood there shivering.

"I'm blooodddyy frrreeeezzziing."

"Come on, love, let's go home." Rhys suggested, taking her hand and leading her away.

"Merry Christmas!" the others shouted after them, and Owen added on; "Call me if she gets frostbite!"

"We should go too." Tosh hinted.

Owen grinned happily and waved cheerfully at Jack and Ianto as he too was led back the way they had come.

Ianto smirked at Jack. "Shall we go home too sir?"

"I think that's an excellent idea, Ianto."

**My Christmas day was a lot like that, only with eight of us instead of six. The sheet of plastic is now my favourite sledge, the snowball fight bears remarkable similarity to the one I had on Christmas Eve (only with more actual hits) and Jack's sledge stunt is nearly the same as the one I did, apart from that mine was accidental. And I didn't break the sledge. **

**I cannot conclusively promise you that that is the final chapter, but it definitely looks it at the moment. You can thank the Yorkshire weather for this extra extra one, by the way. Happy Boxing day! **


End file.
